JOeeAugust 26, 2009
#266446Random Thoughts of the day
Pretty funny read:Random Thoughts of the Day:
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto"
routing option.
More often than not, when someone is
telling me a story all I can think about
is that I can't wait for them to finish
so that I can tell my own story that's
not only better, but also more directly
involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment
during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the
line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a
fire with flint and sticks when they've
invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the
street and realized that you're going in
the complete opposite direction of where
you are supposed to be going? But instead
of just turning a 180 and walking back in
the direction from which you came, you
have to first do something like check
your watch or phone or make a grand arm
gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure
that no one in the surrounding area
thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I
didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to
each other on a keyboard. This recently
became all too apparent to me and
consequently I will never be ending a
work email with the phrase "Regards"
again.
Do you remember when you were a kid,
playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work?
You take the cartridge out, blow in it
and that would magically fix the problem.
Every kid in America did that, but how
did we all know how to fix the problem?
There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's
kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I
watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what the fuck was
going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they
love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people.
I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily
glancing around to confirm that
everyone's laughing at the right parts,
then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to
prove that I'm still the only one who
really, really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at an
open bar. I had already hopped on highway
blackout when, inevitably I had to find a
bathroom. Eventually I decided it was
probably on the other side of the bar so
I tried to walk over there, but ran into
a guy coming the other way. We played
that, Both go left, Both go right game to
no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that's is when I
realized, yup, that's a mirror I just
tried to walk through. And the guy on the
other side is me. Even cats can recognize
their own image.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a
fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic
grocery bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job
should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red
light is when I'm trying to finish a
text.
A recent study has shown that playing
beer pong contributes to the spread of
mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at
it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out
loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine
line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or
more in a row on a Scantron test is
absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball
team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as
none of the guys on the team are actual
stepdads, I inquired about the name. He
explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate
us." Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book
smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear
is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary
smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say
"What?" before you just nod and smile
because you still didn't hear what they
said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when a n
entire line of cars teams up to prevent a
dick from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over
the phone using 'as in' examples, I will
undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a
complete idiot. Today I had to spell my
boss's last name to an attorney and said
"Yes that's G as in...(10 second
lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private
investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana
peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their
directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how
to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more
interesting if they told you how the
person died.
I find it hard to believe there are
actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.
Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can
wear them forever.
I would like to officially coin the
phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be
used as a way to make fun of a friend for
hooking up with an overweight woman.
Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last
night."
I can't remember the last time I wasn't
at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone
and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas
morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun
that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't
mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get
****tier & ****tier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got
together, their offspring would probably
just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker,
when the whole room has to go around and
say their name and where they are from, I
get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my
name, I know where I'm from, this
shouldn't be a problem....
You never know when it will strike, but
there comes a moment at work when you've
made up your mind that you just aren't
doing anything productive for the rest of
the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever
comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to
restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that
millisecond you're sure you are going to
die after leaning your chair back a
little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit
out of Word and it asks me if I want to
save any changes to my ten page research
paper that I swear I did not make any
changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means
I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a
room full of people watching TV. There's
so much pressure. 'I love this show, but
will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet
everyone is wishing we weren't watching
this. It's only a matter of time before
they all get up and leave the room. Will
we still be friends after this?'
While watching the Olympics, I find
myself cheering equally for China and
USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but
I am fairly certain that when Chinese
athletes don't win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the
last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but
when I immediately call back, it rings
nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd
you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and
looking good and then not seeing anyone
of importance the entire day. What a
waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of
mentioning something she hasn't already
told me but that I have learned from some
light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes,
except when it's on shuffle, then I like
about one in every fifteen songs in my
iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems
like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a
pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter
what the mode of transportation, I always
hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3
consecutive times and still not know what
time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned
Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my
phone just so I know not to answer when
they call.
I think that if, years down the road when
I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that
I'm sterile, most of my disappointment
will stem from the fact that I was not
aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security
number, I wouldn't know what do to with
it.
Even under ideal conditions people have
trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning
the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my
ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time every
time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the
other day "Dad what would happen if you
ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I
respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to
read a story on CNN.com and the link
takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at
the fact that everyone they drive behind
obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as
well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet
on any given Friday or Saturday night
more kisses begin with Miller Lites than
Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and
when I looked in the bag, saw they had
included four sets of plastic silverware.
In other words, someone at the restaurant
packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there
must be at least four people eating to
require such a large amount of food. Too
bad I was eating by myself. There's
nothing like being made to feel like a
fat bastard before dinner.
View original BBCode
Pretty funny read: Random Thoughts of the Day: I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. That's enough, Nickelback. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. There is a great need for sarcasm font. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. Was learning cursive really necessary? Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night." I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. Bad decisions make good stories Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! Is it just me or do high school girls get ****tier & ****tier every year? If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.