Offical Joke Thread

I did a search and I didn't find any...if there is...moderator plz combine.   THanks and enjoy!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to"Dad." With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to Elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the w hole w inter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son, 
John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card, that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.



In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he

turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to

dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.



He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became

worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out

the door, their daughter came home with her date.



After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could

get the peanut out.



The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two

fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.



When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.



The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.



The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the

young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.



Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so

wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he

grows older?"


The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his
> chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Francisco,
> Who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter
> To his son and described his predicament:
>
> Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be
> Able to plant my chili gardenz this year. I just getting too
> Viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas
> Wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me.
> Siempre, tu poppy
>
> A few days later he received a letter from his son:
> Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's
> Where I buried the BODIES!
> Love, Francisco
>
> At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
> Showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
> They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the
> Old man received another letter from his son.
>
> Dear Poppy,Go ahead and plant the chilis now. Its the best I
> Could do. Love, Francisco
>
> Who said Mexicans were dumb?

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO

SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND

WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE

WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE

CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE

THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS

BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE

THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE"

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND

GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED

HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

BAPTIST COWBOY

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the
bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."

The cowboy replies, "! Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar! , and always drinks the same
way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil



Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend

sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God

Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and

continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and

Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came

to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!'

shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,' Very good,' and

Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after

she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn

thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted...........

The population of this country is 300 million.



160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.



There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.



Leaving 15 million to do the work.



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.



And there you are,



sitting on your butt,



at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Real Nice

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...



Satan: "Why so glum?"



Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"



Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"



Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."



Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."



Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"



Satan: "You a smoker?"



Guy: "You better believe it!"



Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"



Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"



Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."



Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."



Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."



Guy: "Cool!"



Satan: "What about Drugs?"



Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"



Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."



Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"



Satan: "You gay?"



Guy: "No..."



Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.



She asks him why he is staring.



He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"



She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."



"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."



She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." 



The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"



"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."



The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.



"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"



"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers

in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his

back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and

spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.



What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him

and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the

horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone

Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him

square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you knuklehead, for the

last time...

B R I N G P O S S E!!!!

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with
her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have
any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it 
to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: 

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent
of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the
impression that; 
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and
at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn' t any heat, and that it was entirely too large. 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the Check for $250 with the following note..

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, 
there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't
blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced 
to contact your present landlady

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" 



Then I hear the guy say nervously...

*

*

*

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

TASTE TEST

A group of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. 
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well, she said, I will give you all a clue. 
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,


'Oh, my gosh, 'They're ass-holes!

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do 
you keep the widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over
there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python
weally gives a thit."

A very loud, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with 
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the 
entrance. 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice 
children you have there. Are they twins?" 

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. 
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think 
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" 

"I' m neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid 
twice." 
Have a good day

Before the marriage 

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. 

She : Do you want me to leave ? 

He : No! Don't even think about it. 

She : Do you love me ? 

He : Of course ! 

She : Have you ever cheated on me ? 

He : NO! Why you even asking? 

She : Will you kiss me? 

He : Yes 

She : Will you hit me ? 

He : No way! I'm not such kind of person! 

She : Can I trust you ? 

He : Yes. 

Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up .

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recentfootball game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizensitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation tounderstand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitiveone, " the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear."The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, spacetravel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. Wehave nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars. Computerswith light-speed processing...and more. " After a brief silence thesenior citizen responded as follows: "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we wereyoung.......so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what

are
you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was amazing.......

One cold night, a married couple is lying in bed. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep after a long day tiring at work. The husband turns his bed lamp on to read his favorite book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.

He does this for a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is shocked and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”

His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.”

The husband says, “No, not at all.”

His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?”

“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.


As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?" 


"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck."

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip 
for the first time. 


The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me 
sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked. 

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare 
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first." 

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant 
orange panties." Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. 

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down 
and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first." 

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any 
panties....." "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. 

The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I 
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, 
dey always look fo da black box first."

a young punk with foot long green spikes in his hair went and sat on a park bench next to an old man.

after sitting for a while he noticed that the old man was staring at him with a puzzled look on his face.

"what's the matter old timer? never done something crazy in your life?" he asked patronisingly

"no, it's not that" replies the old man " it's just that i had sex with a hedgehog back in '81 and i was wondering if you were my son"

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. 
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, 
Massages my back and begs to do more,
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out 
the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It wa s just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

This is a true incident that happened in New York. 

A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Isreal on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. 

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. 

Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. 

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000?"

The Jewish man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ah, the brain of the Jews ...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: 
A carton of eggs, 
A quart of orange juice, 
A head of romaine lettuce, 
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and 
A 1 lb. package of bacon. 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a 
drunk 
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the 
cashier. 
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly 
stated, "You must be single." 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by 
the 
derelict's 
intuition , since I was indeed single. 

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly 
unusual about my selections that could have 
tipped off the drunk to my marital status. 

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:? "Well, you know what, 
you're 
absolutely right.? But how on earth did you know that?" 

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly.

Jose died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Pepe and Angel.

The three men had always done everything together. 

Pepe arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet. Pepe said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

" The mortician rolled him over, and Pepe said, "Nope, ain't Jose." 

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Angel in to identify the body. Angel looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Angel said, "No, it 
ain't Jose."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Angel said, "Well, Jose had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, here comes Jose with them two *******s."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every

year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."



Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50

dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."



One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther,

I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get

another chance."



Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50

is dollars is 50 dollars."



The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll

take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride

and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's

50 dollars."



Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.



The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not

a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a

word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,

I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you

didn't."



Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but

50 dollars is 50 dollars."

THE $10 DRINKING BET

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, 
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there
must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the
jar?"

"Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks... 
"What are
the three tests?"

"You must pay first...... Those are the rules," says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives him the $10 and the
bartender drops it into the jar. 

"Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it. 

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have
to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex.... 
You have to take care of that problem!"

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do
it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all 
those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender..... "but, your money stays where it
is." As
time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?" 

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears
stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in
fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained 
to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling and biting, and
screaming... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and 
bleeding all over his body.

He says..." Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender lines them up, and watches in amazement as the man slams them all in quick succession.

The Bartender asks "So what's that ll about?"

Man says "Well I'm celebrating my first blow job!"

Bartender: "Hell I'll give you one more on the house!"

Man: "Nah, if 10 won't wash that taste out I don't think anything will."

An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey. 
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?" 
The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey. 
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?" 
The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey. 
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" 
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my wife does."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his 
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his 
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, 
very closely...
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a ck ?"

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?" 

The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?" 

Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" 
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. 
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? 

Why kill a blonde with big tits?" 

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 
"See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims".

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

Dracula and Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board

Teachers
Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologize and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

Girls night out 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights , put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." 
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." 
"Why not," giggles the woman. 
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket.

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work,stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. 

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. 
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. 
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested". 

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson." 

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

In a small town down in the deep south, around 1932, there was an old black man standing out in the middle of the street on a manhole cover. Every one in a while, he would bend down a little bit, jump up a few inches and go “forty-four”………a few seconds later, another small jump, another “forty-four”. 
Well this strange behavior got the interest of one of the local dumb rednecks in the town. “Watcha doin?” said the redneck. “Just playin’ a game”, said the old man. Now the redneck was even more curious – this didn’t look like a game at all. He said to the old black man, "You show me how to play this game right now!”. So the old man had the redneck stand on the manhole cover. “You do just like I done did, ok?” The redneck bent down a bit and made a little jump, saying “forty-four”. “No, no, no – yous gotta jump higher!” the black man said. So the redneck bent all the way down and jumped as high as he could. As he left the ground, the old man grabbed the manhole cover out of the way, the redneck shot down into the hole, the old man put the manhole cover back on the hole, stood on the cover and jumped up, saying “forty-five,…..forty-five”.

This one's kinda long... 

Poor Mike: 
Two guys in a bar... 

One says "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead!" 

"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" 

"Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." 

"What a horrible way to die!" 

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. 
So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. 
Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. 
He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." 

"What a way to go, that's terrible!" 

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. 
He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. 
In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." 

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. 
So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. 
He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." 

"Man, what a way to go!" 

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the lamp cord and 
pulls the whole thing off the table and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 120 volts shot through him." 

"Now that is one awful way to go!" 

"No no, he survived that, he ..." 

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" 

"I shot him!" 

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" 

"He was wrecking my house!"

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. 

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" 

The birch says he cannot tell. 

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. 

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" 

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. 

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, 

However, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in". 





Pervert---Wipe that smile off your face.

The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. 

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. 

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" 

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

What Religion is Your Bra? 

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. 
What type of bra?" asked the clerk. 
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? 
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. 
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: 
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? 
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. 
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... 



The Catholic type supports the masses. 
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, 
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and 
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. 



Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? 
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! 



(A} Almost Boobs... 
{B} Barely there. 
{C} Can't Complain! 
{D} Dang! 
{DD} Double dang! 
{E} Enormous! 
{F} Fake. 
{G} Get a Reduction. 
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 


3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 


4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? 


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 


6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 


8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? Tell that to Charles Manson. 


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here, dumbass?

Friendship differences 

Friendship Among Women: 
A woman didn't come home one night. 
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. 
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. 
Not one of them knew anything about it. 

Friendship Among Men: 
A man didn't come home one night. 
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. 
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Perks of Being Over 50 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 

3. No on expects you to run--anywhere. 

4. People call at 9pm and ask, "Did I wake you?" 

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 

7. Things you buy now, won't wear out. 

8. You can eat dinner at 4:00pm. 

9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses. 

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 

12. You can no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks in the room. 

14. You sing along with elevator music. 

15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the weather bureau. 

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 

20. I forgot the last one....

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a 
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. 

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. 
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. 

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft 
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud 
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! 

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was 
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and 
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. 

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." 

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. 

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the 
bet. How about half a million bucks then?" 

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy. 

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. 
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" 

Again Leroy said no. 

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" 

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sum***** who pushed me in the pool.

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly are sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approaches from across the park. 
The flasher comes up to the ladies, stands right in front of them, opens his trench coat and exposes himself. 
Gertrude immediately has a stroke. Then Maude also has a stroke. 
But Tilly, being older and feebler than the other two, can't reach that far.

Riiiinnnnnnngggggg.....Riiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggggg 

**"Hello?"** 





**"Hi honey.** 
**This is Daddy.** 
**Is Mommy near the phone?"** 





**"No, Daddy.** 
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."** 





**After a brief pause,** 





**Daddy says,** 
**"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."** 





**"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** 
**Right now."** 





Brief Pause. 





**"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** 
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** 
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** 
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."** 





**"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."** 





**A few minutes later** 
**The little girl comes back to the phone.** 





**"I did it, Daddy."** 





**"And what happened, honey?" He asked.** 





"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran 
around screaming.** 





**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** 
**And now she isn't moving at all!"** 





**"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"** 





**"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** 





**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** 
**And into the swimming pool.** 
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** 
**Last week to clean it.** 





**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."** 





*****Long Pause***** 






*****Longer Pause***** 






*****Even Longer Pause***** 





**Then Daddy says,** 





**"Swimming pool? ** 





**Is this 486-5731?"* 











*No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

LET ME GIVE YOU A BREAK FROM POSTING JOKES........... 
 
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed 

and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your 

affairs in order. The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself 

and walked into the waiting room where her daughter had been 

waiting." Well daughter," she said, "we women celebrate when things are 

good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things 

aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." 

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who 

were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her 

friends they were drinking to her impending end: "I have been diagnosed 

with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a 

couple of more martinis. After the friends left, the woman's daughter 

leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of 

cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The 

woman said, "I don't want any of those ' _______  ' sleeping with your 

father after I'm gone."

hahah LOL nice..

A lot of reading, but good stuff here.